Things Found In My Spam

Like Dame Edna, I'm Back, back with a VENGANCE!

Hey folks, is it radar time?
Decide for yourself!
If it runs, take some prof its!

He hasn't gone by Radar since Colonel Potter sent him home. It's "Walter" now.

andA
Both room.The Irelands
domain legally places

SINN FEIN!

The king watched in silence as the group of armed men walked warily
into the forest and disappeared from sight among the trees. Outwardly

I actually want to expand this into a novel and then read it. Or better yet, have someone make it into a novel and send me a free copy. Anyone want to play "Story Volleyball"? Let's bounce this one back and forth and see what we come up with.

"Annie you can read it now!
Van der Valk, it turned out, was a fictional detective created— and then uncreated— by a writer named Nicolas Freeling.
Eddie Desmond had lived in New York City all his life, but he had been to the Bronx Zoo, and Christ, there were picture-books weren't there?

Is this true, about Nicholas Freeling? Is this what Annie is supposed to read? And it may be ever so slightly sacreligious, but I love that phrase "Christ, there were picture books weren't there?" Like two guys at their 25th High School Reunion (I do not know why I capitalized those threev words) reminiscing about something that happened to them, some antic or caper. And as the one says it he puts his hand on the shoulder of the other guy and then they share a hearty laugh over the rail scotch. That is how I see it.

That doesn't scare me a bit.
For a moment he couldn't find Annie in the short, name-filled clipping, and then realized he was looking for the wrong name.
Pain in his legs— particularly in the bunched remains of his left knee— and pain in his pelvis as well.

And yea God did strike down the infidel for using His name in vain whilst telling a story of wasted youth. And Annie was off with Van der Valk, becoming like a story whispered about but never truly believed. Becoming folklore. BTW - these last two are NOT from the same "person". But they were right after each other, and that is kinda cool.

Veldi, I said. Old and trusted servant. No soft knock? No sweet
tones . . .
The word is out that you Stainless Steel Rats are just plain rats

Is this the second mention of stainless steel rats? Does anyone else think that is an EXCELLENT band name waiting to be used? DIBS!

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friends forehead Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief The old believe everything, the middle aged suspect everything, the young know everything Many hands make light work Only when all contribute their firewood can they build up a strong fire Nah one time a fire mek peas boil.

After that first sentence, this one is pretty bland. But that first sentence...WOW. You wonder why someone would have had to even make that statement. I am thinking Cleveland or Arkansas. Whattaya think?

into Indefatigables solid back when he stopped.
Hail the Home and Joy in Survival! he called out.
Hail, hail and welcome, brave Defender, a voice answered.

I LOVE Pixar movies! Craig T. Nelson rules!

Mrs Roman D.
Now he looked back at her, startled out of the careful neutrality he had maintained all through his visit.
He waited for one of the cops— Goliath, probably— to ask her just what the hell it was she had in there.

I am both dying to meet and completely afraid to meet any cop named Goliath. He might be a giant, he might be a talking Lcaymation dog. Either way he could be seriously bad news.

cool-reasoning and logic prevailed. We became then as you see us now.
Women, I said. A society of women.
That is correct. Life here was a running battle for a good long

place oh-so-obvious next word after "good long" in 3,2,1...

He who knows better has never tried it A good beginning makes a good ending. Wherever you may be let your wind go free You have to be in it to win it

I let MY wind go free on the elevator this morning. I am not sure that it was appreciated there like I am being led to believe here that it should have been.

God is Always on the Side of the Big Battalions To receive the instruction of wisdom, justice, and judgment, and equity. The pen is mightier than the sword. Love makes the world go round Turtle can't walk if he nah push he head outa he shell

this goes from blatantly against the teachings of Christ to kooky Jamacian Red Stripe Beer commercial dialogue in about 5 seconds. That HAS to be a record.

Dont bark, I said as softly as I could. But if you are still
there, mans best friend, and hearing this with your super hearing, a
tiny growl is permitted.

Or, the day Krypto busted me out of the POW camp.

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It is like a list of the greatest wrong guesses ever on Lingo!

have a beautiful future here.
I certainly hope so, Tremearnes voice said inside my head. But
until you find out the score on this male female thing I am ordering

He wants the score to the transvestite? WTF?

del footwork retrorocket upward foolish gender soprano ministry
rental theology havoc feel celebes division krieger mealy

ministry rental theology...Unitarianism?

wheresoever habituate icc curium pyracanth argue caldera advisable
steele this triac goldberg cole augustine bini ussr

KLATTU...VERRATTA...NICKEL! NECTAR!!

Cut your coat according to your cloth Good gubby nah ah float ah tap.

I read this, and the phrase "Hey nonny nonny and a cha cha cha" popped into my head. What does that say about me? I would rather not think about that.

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auscultation petroglyph high-spirited ameslan hearst algae boyish siltation convex cornstarch redneck
pawnshop dactylogram defaulter deduce southland electrocute unison snivel
venerate enmity foray congo felice harpoon mynheer deliberately
lyons otter bed-head causa avis chateau exit visual

Are there really enough people out there googling "zorn" and "petroglyph" that this makes ANY kind of busniess sense? Anything even remotely close?

could not drop.
Nothing could move, was moving. Would move for quite a while.
Except me, of course. Strolling over, cheerfully whistling Nothings

So basically she is lording her ability to ambulate over a bunch of cripples? Lady, you just lost ANY chance of me using your company to re-fi the house.

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this one just cracked me up. I don't know why, but it almost made me do a spit take on my comupter. I think I saw it and thought "badger badger badger mushroom mushroom". And when you are sneaking blog posts in while you are supposed to be "working", that kind of thing will give you away completely. There is nothing funny about AR and the 90 day Aging Reports.

was over-of it were ever over-I promised myself a nice long holiday.
Head-up, Jim! Think positive and get ready to improvise.
A last door opened and we were in what was obviously a laboratory.

And what are they doing in the laboratory? You, sir? Making radioactive coffee. Okay, you have just broken into the laboratory and you are going to make radioactive coffee...and...BEGIN SCENE!

You cannot lose what you never had Some pork-knockers does only clear track fuh monkey run race. War does not always decide who it right but it always decides who is left! They would none of my counsel: they despised all my reproof.

Another random phrase becomes a curse I am going to use. The next time someone pisses me off, I am going to call them a pork knocker.

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and THIS is how I will curse once Wifey starts having children. If said with enough anger and red faced-spittle flying passion, you will get your point across.

And that is all. Finally caught up. Hopefully I will not lag so far behind next time and the posts won't be so marathon-like.

BSR

I am not going to have time to update today. I hope I will be able to post tomorrow. But until I get a chance to share the best of my canned meat, here is a picture of what happens when you try to cook bacon on the grill. Everything was going okay until we flipped the bacon over and the grease stated to drip off of the foil. Watching the flame crawl up the tiny river of bacon fat and end up engulfing the entire grill was surreal. When the lid was closed and flame was still shooting out the sides for almost 10 minutes, well, I started to have a moment of hesitation. I also need you to know that this happened over a month and a half ago, before I thought that I might have procreated. And I was drunk. As was Larry the Upstairs Neighbor. And I feel better that it was his idea and his bacon. If I wasted a pound of my own bacon on this, I would want to cry.

Now I am pissed. I haven't posted in a week because my life has not allowed it. I have a BUNCH of spam to go through, and am about 10 away from finishing the post when Explorer decides to go all "SCREW YOU ASSHAT!" on me. Dammit! Now I have to start over. Fraggin' stupid Internet Explorer.

A spy with flatulence will always blow his cover.

Greatest. Spam. EVER. If you don't think that isn't going on a t-shirt, you are fooling yourself.

helmut barrymore contraband diabetes remission ignoramus genitive compassionballard edelweiss lampoon madam her diety tried tub

helmut barrymore. I prefer Drew (I have had a crush on her as long as I can remember. I figure that either her or Angelina Jolie are going to run out of men soon, and yes, I will be there to comfort them). The rest of this is just filled with thoughts of beating debilitating diseases and making rnadom references to Duetchland uberallis. Good times for all!

The truth was that he did notcare to be in Kyauktada while both Elizabeth and Verrall werethere. Hehad brooded all night over what had happened. He broke into Burmese, calling them the incestuous children ofpigs. Itwas in their minds to bait him, as a white man. Am I to blame if somebody else choose to commit murder? Just remember that fellows face, said Ellis over his shoulder toFlory. Shrieking mounds of natives, soldiers slaughtering them. To Verrall, allclimates were alike, but he did not like to see his poniesplastered with mud. When heturned round his vast face was suffused with excessive joy. I have been talking to the Club butler, sir, said Ba Sein. Well, for Gods sake get them to talk this time. They could slaughter them in bloody heaps if theyd onlyopen fire. Ellis wasstamping furiously up and down, shaking his fist in the directionof the police lines. But there would be no difficulty about it now. Hetells me that Mr Ellis and Mr Westfield still do not want thedoctor to be elected to the Club. I was looking round while you were talkingto them. Then he steppedforward to address the Europeans. After breakfast, Ellis was walking down to his office, cane inhand. You should study the Scriptures more carefully,my dear Kin Kin. The next moment a number of things happened all together. His greenish eyes were large and mournful. It seemed to Flory that it was getting very dark. My chapsd know how to put the screw on a witness if yougave em the word. Ibelieve I should die of rage if it happened. If only one of us could get to the police lines! But that is not tosay that they were not angry.

I am going to learn to speak Burmese if for no other reason than so that I can call people "the incestuous children of pigs". That is one of those insults that always sounds good coming from a European or Asian immigrant, but would not work with a Brooklyn accent. And for that, I cry foul!

the passage of time. Manufacturing was phased out and ausbrechititewas replaced by newer and more stable explosives.When was this? I asked.

is this from the Bookends Theme? (25 points to the first person to explain that one!)


Blocking the path was a brick building with an archway that spannedthe road; we slowed and stopped.Is that what I think it is? Steengo said.

Yes Steengo, it is. It is a road, which would be much easier to use that this "path" you are on, also known as my back yard. GET OFF MY LAWN!

A reed before the wind lives on, while might oaks do fall.Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice. Blessings Are Not Valued Until They Are GoneEvery fowl feed pon he own craw. Wise children have short years

I have never worked on a chicken ranch, so I know not what constitutes the feed given to them. But the sound of "feed pon their own crawl" is vaguely dirty, and I am going to think twice before I have chicken again.

Thanks, wonderful, youre a big help. I sure could use her but notif she has to carry the pipe organ on her back. Now let us make someselections from the male list and get the photos coming. Except for

ANY woman who can carry a pipe organ on her back, find a use for her. If you tell her "no", she might tear you in half. Literally.

An old Ox makes a straight furrow If life deals you lemons make lemonade Talk is cheap Cut your coat according to your cloth

and welcome to part 1 of "So you've been Spammed by Benjamin Franklin"

appointed now. Plans drawn up to free the women and children fromtheir bondage. You will find that Mata will be able to advise you onthat. I think the various males on the planet will have to be

YES!! FREE the women and children! end the Wurlitzer oppression!

Opportunity makes a thief An idle mind is.. the best way to relax. Empty sacks will never stand upright Every dog has his day

part 2.

satiety golosh stickle nc lock field judge mutilate nimbusliverpudlian impasse evocable nostril dendriform monel matrimonial sanitate

do you require sanitate in your matrimonial life? Well then, do what they do in Stickle, NC and get yourself a pair of satiety goloshes. They will end your nostril dendriform, or your money back!

your pick. Food and medicines are shipped in. Nothing comes out.Do they have their own doctors?No. Medical teams are stationed there in the hospital inside the

they better have doctors handy. These people are pretty constipated. Food and medicine shipped in but nothing comes out? That's what killed Elvis! That and the creepin' crud (BONUS ROUND - 250 points for the explanation of THAT reference!)

thinking seriously about going to sleep, when I heard the thud ofmarching boots from NJ-28940. I woke up and remained silent andunmoving as a squad of about twenty men exited from the tunnel on our

sounds about right for NJ. And the tunnel is ALWAYS chaotic there.

To deceive oneself is very easy

part 3. I'm gonna have to collect these and put them in book form. Poor richard's Spam Almanack.

on pulleys to the rear of the chariot. This lifted and dropped a smallhammer that banged the starter on the shoulder. This was anindividual, dressed completely in black, who sat on a little platform

or...when the Flintstones got a new engine for their car...

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise The Absent are Always Wrong A ruler who oppresses the poor is like a driving rain that leaves no crops.

part 4. Feel in you the stirrings of revolution! DAMN YOU KING GEORGE!!!!!

If me bin know always deh behind de door. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets

We interrupt this collection of Benjamin Franklin sayings being butchered into spam for a quick reading from the collected works of Jar Jar Binks.

failure electra jackanapes pawtucket radiometer ambiance downgrade greenwichdaley conrad depict vacuole cane brawl antelope astronomy

continuing the impromptu history lesson, did you know that Columbus used antelope astronomy to guide himself to the "New World"?

photograph of the alien artifact from my pocket and held it out.Unclean, he muttered and put his hand behind his back so hewouldnt touch it.

"Damn it Scully, I don't want to see that right now!"

indigenous at all, couldnt possibly be. Probably something broken offan old spaceship. Meaningless and worthless. Gone now.Gone? I fought to keep the despair from my voice.

"It's gone! Damn you Smoking Man!...Hey Scully, you still have that photo?"

position, then turned and walked off on her side of the barrier. Witheach step the wall grew higher, until, very quickly, it was as high asher head, then higher. After a last wave of her hand she vanished from

Chapter 2: She ran into Steengo in the man's back yard. "There is a house blocking our way", Steengo said. Just then a man came from the house wearing only a loose hanging robe and waving his shotgun in the air. Screaming at them to get the hell off of his lawn, they ran to the street, where they saw an archway from the house going over the road...

You can have too much of a good thingDump husband in September, you have to get rid of the spidersKill two birds with one stone

I KNEW I should have gotten a pre-nup. Luckily I have nothing to my name. And half of "shit" is "shhh", which is what I will tell her to do when she asks for alimony.

To understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings. Promises are like babies Easy to make, hard to deliver Do as I say, and not as I doHell hath no fury like a woman scorned A short absence quickens love, a long absence kills it. Yuh can't chew bone with gum. Prevention is better than cure.Money makes the world go around

Hello and welcome to today's installment of "Slightly Misquoted Proverb Theatre".

mean the bright-eyed grads of our technical schools, like
space action where it all had happened. There was no need
dare turn and look but I could feel it. When the door
sight behind a row of lubrication drums. I gently pried

no different from the ones we had passed, except this one

I don't know why, but I am slightly aroused by this one. Maybe it is the "lubrication drums" and the gentle prying.


out behind the final ridge.Good luck, he said, with a certain grimness. The port ground shutand the launch moved away and vanished in the growing light. Scarcely

"Sorry Dave, but I can't do that"

Nothing more?Nothing.I dug the photograph from an inside pocket, took a deep breath-and

"AHHHHH! Aliens! Quick, get the guy from Terminator 2. I am the hell outta here!"

About this. It was brought here. I examined it myself. Notindigenous at all, couldnt possibly be. Probably something broken offan old spaceship. Meaningless and worthless. Gone now

ever get that feeling of deja spam? And what is up with the damn alien motif lately? Is Orson Welles writing your copy now?

The red box crackled-then burst into flame. Melted into a pool ofplastic. Thanks, I said.Any other way out? Floyd asked.

laughing boxes that melt? Stop this ride, I want to get off. NOW.

Death is the great leveller A Deaf Husband and a Blind Wife are Always a Happy Couple. Share and share alike! When gaulding see fish he forget seh gun deh. Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong

and sometimes, while speaking, Fred broke into "Hooked on Phonics" for no apparent reason.

period genteel catch bindery dougherty tigress childbirth raplutanist institute censorious entomology english excitatory lunar vivaldi

Okay, this is the last one, and it is a good thing too. I have to run off and do the childhood rap lunatist to my new cd of lunar vivaldi!

CIAO!

BSR

Work is busting my balls again, so I need to get this up and done and back to the hell that is my job...

Do not search for a calf under an ox Fate leads the willing but drives the stubbornYou cannot run with the hare and hunt with the hounds Excess of ceremony shows want of breeding Exigency is the matriarch of ingenious contrivance. Macaw ask parrot if mango ripe, he say one, one.A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Keep your powder dry

Keep your powder dry, or it will become some kind of paste. And THEN what will you do? And does anyone else think that "Exigency is the matriarch of ingenious contrivance" would look EXCELLENT on a coffee mug?


hold on just a moment if you please. Didnt you just thank me forfinding this thing?I did.

Simple and to the point. Question asked, question answered. No need for further commentary.

Filter nose plugs. For neutralizing gas. Steengo had known something-or guessed something. He also knew how affected I had been by thesessions in the Veritorium. He had suspected that something physical,

The sessions in the Veritorium require filter nose plugs? Steengo, you are a rapscallion!

up and the smoker nodded beneficently.You are right of course, Jim. The responsibility has been great, thepressure continuous. And I am surrounded by morons-stulteguloj,

And we all know that stulteguloj morons are the worst kind of morons.

A good beginning makes a good ending.Your troubles seem larger the longer you look at them He Is Rich Enough That Wants NothingThe female of the species is more deadly than the maleMany people know how to say nothing; few know whenA stitch in time saves nine.

A good beginning makes a good ending? This guy obviously never saw Popeye. Or my fabulous pick-up moves (thank God someone finally fell for them)

miss. To fire demands permission of Watch Commander. That is why I wasto be executed. I sought not his permission.Accidents happen.

awful calm for a guy who apparently ordered warfare without proper approval. Accidents happen? I'm thinking Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide. Or possibly Paul Rudd in Anchorman.

That does it for today. See you tomorrow!

A new month, a new set of clues. SPE-LUNK!

When was this? I asked.A bit over three centuries ago. Would you like the exact date?That will do fine.

I'll take "Things I have Said While Waiting for my Moons Over My Hammy at 2:30 On a Saturday Morning, after a Long Night Of Drinking" for $400 Alex.

dressed in an astounding variety of clothing - it looked like all thedonations to charity in the entire galaxy had been sent here-and theyall had two things in common. They were heavily armed with a mixture

Another verbatim. This pulled directly from the commentary of Joan and Melissa Rivers at the last Oscars Pre-Show.

There is no jollity but hath a smack of follyNo one is expected to achieve the impossibleOnly the wearer knows where the shoe pinches. A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

I think my life is severely lacking in jollity. I feel the emptiness.

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And now the CATS HAVE GUNS? First the waffles, now the cats? The end is nigh.

his head.You are going to have to try harder, Jim-you lost me a long timeback.

It is your first "Things Found in my Spam" homework assignment! This is obviously a continuation of a previous piece of spam. Your mission is to find the one it goes to and connect them. Our first real lead everybody! Let's move on this. And a special 50 points to whomever gets the right one!

See you tomorrow!